What I Learned on the Forums This Week 57


This past weekend I was at Captain Con and had an absolute blast playing Warmachine and hanging out with super sweet people. I also totally regretted not reading one of this past weeks stupidest threads before the convention because everyone was talking about it and it was weird since usually my Forum knowledge is encyclopedic but here it failed me. Don’t worry dear reader, I read that thread and we’ll be discussing it below, I just should have done my research before the con. I will say, though, that holy shit balls was it dumb. People need to fucking relax about dice. In conclusion, if you’re in the New England area, and even if you’re not, definitely think about going to Captain Con since not only can you play Warmachine you can also laugh about shit that got said on the Forums. What more could you want in life?

If you start a thread you own it! No one can take that from you!

Let’s say you start a thread for community discussion, could be anything really. Ranking your faction’s X, discussing least played models, asking whether X model is as bad as people think, doesn’t matter. The thing is you outline the rules to your thread at the start and they are immutable from then on. It doesn’t matter if your thread is extremely unoriginal and has been preceded by dozens of similar threads with already established rules, your rules reign supreme. If people think the Rank Your X is taking too long and suggest that maybe two minuses and one plus would speed things up, a rather common occurrence in these threads, you have to shut that shit down. Don’t let them provide ‘evidence’ that you’re wrong about insisting that no thread has ever used that rule before. That’s how they get to you, with their weasel words. It’s your thread, don’t let them tell you any different. If they think your being unreasonable let them go make their own ‘un-moderated’ thread as if that makes any sense. If the thread is un-moderated you can just go in and change their rankings to whatever you want because it’s not moderated and there’s no way to stop you! When the rules break down there’s no longer any point in half a dozen people picking their favorite models. It’s very important to never act like an adult, that’s what they’re going to do and you have to just stick to your guns and be the petulant child you have the right to be.

Weapon Master is better CMA.

Back in my day infantry only came in two kinds: combat and support. The combat units all had some kind of way of upping their damage either through a combined attack or weapon master or some such rule. This enabled them to damage warjacks as well as kill infantry. I don’t know why I name dropped my Mark I time to make this point since it’s entirely irrelevant to everything else I have to say. CMA at least has a risk-reward element since your models have to bunch up to use it and that makes them susceptible to infantry clearing weapons like sprays and AoEs. Weapon Master has no such downside since individual models can blow up for huge damage on the warjack without bunching up. I mean sure you still have to bunch up to actually kill a heavy target but whatever. Let’s also just drop all mentions of CRA in this context since mentioning it earlier was weird enough. Sure CMA gives you a MAT buff so you’re actually much better targeting other infantry to guarantee that hit which will basically auto-kill while Weapon Master is much better at cracking ARM. In fact people rarely CMA on warjacks because the boost from charging is much better on a ton of individual attacks then combined together for a couple extra points. So the two rules really have completely different roles and comparing them was kind of dumb. CMA also tends to be on pretty cheap units, lots of 4/6 units, while Weapon Master is a more expensive rule but whatever, we’re not talking relative point costs here. What we should do is swap Weapon Master to being a re-roll on the charge damage roll rather than the extra die thus greatly blunting it’s upper potential but making it more reliable. Overall it might be even better this way since apparently I’m arguing that Weapon Master is too good but we could theoretically make it even better by changing it to something I like the idea of. Sounds legit.

These guys have both on their mini-Feat turn. They really can pierce the thickest of armour!

Check your rolls before you wreck yourself.

If you’re like me you spend a lot of nights awake thinking back to previous Warmachine tournaments and asking yourself: did my opponent roll his dice from a regulation acceptable height with a sufficient level of masturbatory hand shaking before release? I’ve lost entire weeks of sleep to this quandary, trying to find the best way to ensure that my Casino Dice wielding foes are playing fair in our extremely important games of toy soldiers. I frequently have to interrupt my opponent during his turn to measure and make sure that his hand is at least six inches above the table when he is rolling. Luckily I have a widget for this so it’s not too much of an interruption to his turn. I also connect a motion sensor to both our arms so that we can measure the vigor with which the dice are shaken before rolling on my computer. Any die roll that isn’t preceded by at least three solid shakes of the hand must be re-rolled or else I will call the Judge over to complain. If the judge rules against me I’ll just ring PP to complain about the sham-show of a tournament this so called PG is running. I’ve gotten overall largely favorable responses from the three other cave dwelling over obsessed alpha nerds that I play with but when I go to other communities with so called ‘high level players’ those cheating bastards say shit like ‘why do you give this much of a shit?’, ‘it’s not like there’s money on the line’ and ‘do you bathe?’ It’s like they live in some kind of anarchic society where nothing matters! In my cave kingdom all things are treated as equally important regardless of their actual relative importance so the world beyond is a baffling and stupid place.

Tournaments should issue their own dice!

As a guy who runs tournaments you know whose advice on tournament organization I am most interested in hearing? The guys who have never run a tournament before. See they don’t have all that bias or ‘knowledge’ that has worked its way into my head over the years. Instead they spit straight truth at me. These guys have solved the dice arguments problems forever: I should just provide all the dice for all of my events. Also dice trays so we can ensure fairness. Since this is Privateer Press’ game we should only use the official dice. So that just means for a local event entry will be increased by roughly $25 per person to cover that expense. We could re-use the dice since storing more stuff alongside terrain, zones, and clocks for the event is fine. Not a concern at all. Big conventions will have to shell out thousands of dollars to accommodate their players but that massive expense is only for one year and then every year they’ll pay way less to replace all the lost dice that people didn’t return or just dropped on the floor and didn’t pick up. I’m so glad that we made TOs a serf class with no rights so that we can force them to do all this extra bullshit so that we can have fun playing Warmachine. This is going to be great!

Alternatively maybe Lord Rockbottom will finance my tournaments from here on out. He’s a real person right?

We need to cater to troglodytes

Every time there’s a big event we want to see the lists that people played there which is understandable. Do you know what’s fucking unreasonable though? These people post the lists to fucking Twitter, what the shit is up with that? But okay, maybe I’ll accept that they’re lazy shits and just do what’s convenient. What’s ridiculous is that when I ask for lists on the forums and someone just says go to X twitter account to find the lists. Seriously, I don’t like social media so why should I have to go to some other website to look at some photos of lists. My time is worth so much more than these lowly peasants, they should fucking transcribe all the lists from the event into a Forum post for me. I can’t spend 5 minutes finding one of the most popular Warmachine twitter accounts so someone should spend 30 minutes or more copying lists into a post for me to read. These wastrels could at least provide a link so that I don’t have to do any work at all, that’s like bare minimum effort on their part. So long as I don’t have to do shit everything is fine. Fuck everybody else, I’m what’s important.

Hero Thread: Cowby Cygnar, YEEEEEHAW! By Reflection

If you know anything by now you know I love awesome themed conversions. I also love westerns. This conversion is fucking awesome and an amazing idea. Super interested to see where it goes.

Bonus: Alt Fiona the Black by TrueCold

Full cards on the table this one is by Overload’s resident graphic artist but since I lack faith in him cross-posting it to the sight I’m linking it here. It’s a seriously badass Fiona the Black conversion and vast improvement on her original model.

That’s all for this week, thanks for reading!


2 thoughts on “What I Learned on the Forums This Week 57

  1. While I generally agree with the mockery you dispense towards completely out-of-touch and irrational forum nerds, your perceived fitness to judge them takes a hit from all the spelling errors in your articles.

  2. I had missed the dice rage threads, will have to go and have a read! I had also got the same amusement from the “I don’t like social media” comment from someone on an internet forum….

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