What I Learned on the Forums This Week 56


Alright guys I’m going to level with you coming out of the gate, I’ve had a really busy week. So busy that I’m writing this in one of the tiny moments of free time I have and I’m going to see how far I can get in as little time as possible. If you thought this shit was crude and unpolished before, prepare for the worst. On the other hand I might enter a zen-like trance of pure one-ness with the Forums. If that happens though, I expect my mind will melt under the full load of privilege and bitching and I will become a soulless vessel only able to make quips about how Cryx is OP and/or the only faction worth recognizing in the game. Or I could just write some stupid shit that is barely worth reading, that’s always a possibility.

Warmachine: Tactics is already a disastrous failure.

People aren’t buying up tons of the beta pre-orders for Tactics on Steam. There’s only like 60 people on it at any given time playing and it sounds like there’s still loads of problems with the game. The Steam forums are full of pointless trolling and shitty feedback. This clearly means the game is destined for a train wreck. Trust me, I’m totally an expert on PC games because I play them and sometimes I watch the Jimquisition so I can tell him he’s wrong. The moment money started being charged for this game we could begin tearing it apart and it became valid to review. That’s why there are so many reviews from last August when most of the community paid for the game. They were pretty negative in fairness, PP probably suppressed most so you’ve never heard of them. I have it from a reliable source that the game was so unplayable that it basically didn’t even exist yet. Anyway, even if it’s in a so-called ‘beta’ stage it’s clearly a pile of shit that won’t get fixed. I might not have played it but I looked at some screen shots and was pretty confused by them so my opinion is valid. PP should probably share their Steam sales figures with me and let me know what all of their plans are for the game so I can give them some constructive feed back on how they’re doing. They probably didn’t read the post where I said was just going to laugh at them and troll them, pretty sure the PP staff can’t even read.

Arms are too easy to disable!

Due to how damage grids work with excess damage wrapping around from column six to column 1 warjack’s arms are actually really easy to disable. They have the least number of boxes protecting the systems and with wrap around damage are basically right next to each other. This means it’s trivially easy to remove a warjack’s possible threat by disabling it’s arms which is totally unreasonable. It should be just as difficult to remove the cortex or movement on a warjack as it is the arms. Just like how on a human it’s as easy to damage the brain or remove the capacity for quick forward movement as it is to break an arm. A definitely simple and elegant solution would be to change how damage rolls over from one column to the next. Instead of always going right the direction should reverse if you roll a 4 or higher on the column die. I find that adding a bit of extra complexity to the game really enhances my enjoyment of it, especially if it’s something that’s easy to get wrong in the heat of a timed tournament. This system could be further enhanced by having the damage bounce back when it reaches the edge of the grid instead of rolling over. That way damage would primarily remain in the middle of the grid as opposed to congregating on the edges. I know I’ll really appreciate these changes every time I activate my cortex-less warjack that still has both his arms working. That guy is gonna get some motherfucking work done this turn!

Or we could give everyone the Cankerworm grid, that seems fine too.

Warmachine is a game for the respectable gentleman

All right gentlemen know that the only way to play Warmachine is in proper white-tie attire with only your best tailcoat on. I hear some low savages might play in black tie or, dare we say it, business casual but we don’t acknowledge what these cretins play as actual Warmachine. They’re probably playing some version of Houserulesmachine, I’m pretty sure my interpretation of the terrain rules supports the white-tie only dress code. Anyway, PP for some reason no one can fathom has released a set of faction sports jerseys for the peasants. Leaving aside the obvious demand for warmachine themed cravats that was so sorely neglected can you imagine actually seeing someone wearing one of these? What undesirable cur with only the most basic of low cunning would actually wear one of these? If I saw someone enter my Gentlemen’s Club wearing one of these I would not even bother to suppress my mirth at his poor fashion choices. I might even let out a single guffaw at him to show my displeasure. Anyone who spends their rightfully inherited money on one of these jerseys does not deserve their title or their place in our community.

Khador with an Arc Node is fine because Goreshade3

Goreshade3 has crazy assassination potential. Ludicrous even. He can stationary with his Feat from a crazy long distance away and the spell assassinate people to death. That’s some broken shit. One time I saw him kill Severius on one camp from a really long way away and that dude is the tankiest old man with cripple stats. You might also be wondering how he spell assassinated a model that can’t be targeted by spells but the anecdote really isn’t the focus of this thread. The point of this thread is to point out how two totally unrelated things means that Sorscha with an Arc Node is fine. Being able to cast Freezing Grip while staying safe is basically the same thing as Goreshade3 using his Feat for a janky assassination. Sorscha1 has to actually roll to hit with her Stationary effect so long as she doesn’t Feat! Sorscha1 having to Feat to make a better version of Goreshade3’s Feat is total bullshit. Also Siphon Bolt and Freezing Grip are probably somewhat interchangeable. They may do entirely different things but they’re really good spells is what’s important. Well, Sorscha1 has a similar Feat, Sorscah2 is an entirely different case and probably not worth mentioning because I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t get much out of having an arc node. Denny1 has an arc node people, that’s some serious bullshit here. Denny1’s arc node is infinitely worse than Sorscha with an arc node would be. How come Khador can’t just do all the Cryx things like all the time? Is Khador forever doomed to be shitty Cryx? This is some bullshit is what I’m saying. Wake up sheeple!

Pretty sure the Old Witch just keeps veto-ing the Arc Node plans Khador keeps developing. It’s a conspiracy people!

Hero Thread: Annual Countdown to Gencon by Tamwulf

As the name indicates this is a bit of an annual tradition but I didn’t mention it last year and I feel bad about that. While obviously not useful to everyone, if you’re not going to Gencon it’s hardly any help at all, Tamwulf’s threads are brilliant if you’re new to the Gencon experience. I read them each of the three times I went to Gencon and they were helpful every time. If you haven’t thought about going to Gencon, definitely do so it’s the business. If you’ve been before but aren’t going this year, don’t read this thread or else risk extreme jealousy. Man I wish I was going…

That’s all for this week, thanks for reading.

Also somewhat special and quite time specific announcement: I will be at Captain Con in Massachusetts later this month, if you’re there say hi!

4 thoughts on “What I Learned on the Forums This Week 56

  1. Yeah, that Khador arc-node thread… Read the anecdote and thought “Last time I checked, pSevvy has Spell Ward…”

      • My bad, it was. So it was just spell assassinating a warcaster who can choose to be immune to spells thanks to an upkeep rather than one who is always immune to them. 🙂

  2. My favorite threads are the ones where there are multiple sides to the “discussion” but every side is entitled stupidity. By favorite I mean I want to murder everyone.

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