What I Learned on the Forums This Week 46


I’d like to say that with time this gets easier but the Forum has worn me down and I am now a lesser man than I once was. I am resigned to the stupidity of the advice I see given on the internet. There is little room for my energetic rage of old, only continued disappointment. Why does every anti-Cryx Merc list I see include a Mule? In the past this would have angered me but now I’m just saddened by the observation that even when they try and be competitive the Merc forums are stupid. On a more positive, and entirely unrelated note, I saw Captain America: Winter Soldier this week and it’s awesome. Take the free time you’ve gotten from no longer needing to read the Forums and go see it. It’s a better way to spend your time.

Lets ignore all the relevant rules and discuss stuff in a vacuum!
It’s hard to get excited about Borka on a bear because he probably won’t be a very good Cavalry war-noun. He’ll suffer from a lack of available resources and struggle to compete with other Cavalry war-nouns like Vlad3 and Kreoss3. He’s obviously going to be really slow because this type of cavalry model unlike anything we’ve seen before has an obviously predictable speed. Also Fury 5 will be a huge limiter on how much he can do. NO! Don’t talk about the differences between Fury and Focus here and argue that Fury 5 can do as much work as Focus 7. You clearly haven’t been following this discussion from the start. We’re not talking about things like Borka’s rules or his possible spells we’re talking about him as a Cavalry model. Nothing else is relevant to this discussion. As a Cavalry model he probably won’t be very good because I’ve said so. If we just compare his single melee weapon and mount to Kreoss3 he’s clearly worse based on my batshit insane algorithm I use for these things. I’m not saying Borka will be a bad warlock just that he won’t be a very good Cavalry warlock. I know what you may be thinking, this makes no goddamn sense and I’m clearly a fucking moron but that’s just because you only possess a low cunning compared to my higher intellect. If you had followed the thread from the start you would see that my line of thinking is the only rational one. When we judge Borka by some arbitrary and stupid criteria we can see that he’ll obviously be underwhelming. This entirely disproves any basis for optimism you might have had given THAT HE’S BORKA RIDING A MOTHERFUCKING POLAR BEAR!

Pretty sure Borka is going to be a terrible Minion Warlock with a Polar Bear as well. Probably can’t even play him in Searforge Contract!

Bastions and Cinerators are totally different!
Sure they share some superficial similarities like the same points cost, nearly identical stats, same P+S on their attacks, same base size, same number of attacks and have a ton of the same abilities but that’s barely anything. They do have like 5 rules differences which is loads! Those differences mean we really shouldn’t be comparing them and should instead act as if Bastions don’t exist whenever we talk about including Cinerators in a list. Anyone who doesn’t do that is just holding back the discussion! Some of us are working really hard to figure out what niche a unit fills several years after its initial release and we don’t need people pointing out that a very similar but strictly better unit already exists! We’ll prove that Flame Burst, +1 ARM and a situational speed buff are enough to make a unit completely different from their almost identical twin. Anyone who suggests that we should compare models within the faction, especially similar models, should just be ignored because ignoring dissenting viewpoints is the best way to have a good well rounded discussion. Frankly, if these idiots had even bothered to reference their primer on Debating VIA the Internet by I.R. Jackass (Dumbfucksburg, 2004) they would already know this. I know it’s not standard reading in many schools but you think that some people would put in a little more effort. That’s all we’re asking.

Malakov will die all the time.
Andrei Malakov is pretty okay overall. He clearly has some cool spells and the potential to run some warjacks but he’s also super squishy and is going to die all the time. This will probably limit him to only non-competitive lists. His defensive tech is frankly pretty underwhelming and there’s such a high cost to his death that he really can’t be taken in top tier play. 14/13 defensive stats are really bad so you definitely can’t rely on that to keep him alive. His only real defensive tech is Sucker which is pretty meh. Your opponent can easily clear out the models around him with trivial attacks and then kill him with one big shot. Shoot him with a Ravagore, Redeemer, Vanquisher or some electro-leaps and he’ll just explode. You could even just teleport a warpwolf in to kill him. People committing about 10 points worth of work to kill your three point model is worth it because he’s got a warjack that will go inert. There’s no way you’ll have already committed Malakov’s jack to the fray by the time he gets within 14” of a Vanquisher because Malakov has to play at the front of your army. To sit at the back would be an act of cowardice! His survival with Sucker is really comparable to Madelyn Corbeau’s since they both have to be within 9” of your opponents army to get work done. There’s no way Malakov could be 8” behind his warjacks which threatens to charge a long way. Keeping models alive via distance and careful positioning never happens in Warmachine anyway. Those concepts are hard to cover when talking about gameplay on the internet and as such are irrelevant. We only care about average numbers here, you and your positioning based arguments can go get fucked.

Pictured: a model that shares a rule with Malakov and is therefore a legitimate comparison with him.

I love a model despite the Forums being generally positive about that model!
I really like the Grolar despite the obvious hatred the Khador players have shown towards it and I think I should make a thread about how I like it! Those stupid Khador players can get all uppity if they want to I don’t care I’m going to talk about how I’m excited about this guy just to spite them! No I haven’t actually seen tons and tons of negativity towards him right now and I might just be assuming that they’ll be negative but that hardly matters. I can pretty safely predict their behavior and I can be confident in my feelings of persecution. I’ll just ignore anyone who has positive view points as irrelevant to the discussion while all those people who hate the Grolar are obviously out to get me! I’m the lone special snowflake who understands what models are good or bad and everyone else is an idiot who is trying to hold me back. They won’t be able to stop me, though, since my genius will burst through the walls of their ignorance. I’m such a great person the forums should really appreciate me more. The only thing that’s more impressive than my greatness might be my modesty.

Hero Thread: Prevenge of Scyrah? Scyrah of Prevenge? …Ret Project by Prevenge
Some very cool Ret conversions in this still ongoing project. The two best things I can see are that he’s managed to make Ret ‘jacks actually look cool and he’s put actual strings on his bows and crossbows. As a massive archery nerd I gotta say I admire the latter even if I’d never have the commitment to do it. Well done that man!

Bonus: Blackened: Protectorate of Menoth by Jediguru
This one is just a really cool paint scheme for a Menoth army. I really like the Black and Red colour scheme. Take a look.

That’s all for this week, thanks for reading!

2 thoughts on “What I Learned on the Forums This Week 46

  1. I think I’ve seen the same argument for everyone except Aiakos at this point, because you can never ever shoot someone with Stealth.

  2. The forums, they are toughening you, grinding away the fat and flesh to leave nothing but hard, stringy gristle. Angry, stupidity hating gristle. 🙂 Glad to hear that the new Captain America doesn’t suck, though.

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