What I Learned on the Forums This Week 29


This weekend is Ireland’s largest gaming convention at which I have a non zero number of responsibilities. That means I was super busy this week but I still carved out time in my life to rant and rage at stupidity on the internet for your amusement. You better appreciate it…jerks! (insulting your fans is a key part of becoming famous right? right!?)

Tough is the worst rule.

Tough is obviously a shitty rule because it’s super random. In a game that uses dice to determine a result it’s a mechanic that only uses one die to determine a result. Obviously this is a complete mess that ruins the games. The effectiveness of a model with tough is entirely based on whether or not it makes a bunch of tough checks. There is no way a model can be good in a game without making at least two tough checks. That’s just how the game works. It’s also just way too random. Tough checks ruin peoples plans all the time and can’t be accounted for. It’s a good thing we don’t play a game with rolling dice to determine whether an attack hits or does damage. That would make the game ridiculously random. That one time someone made 24 tough checks on Boomhowler obviously represents the game falling apart. Even over enough games the average number of tough checks made will even out because one time someone made a ton of tough checks with his Errants so therefore Statistics no longer applies. I hope Mark III hurries up and fixes this terrible dice based rule. Why can’t Warmachine be more like Chess?

Tough or just too drunk to feel pain? You decide!

Haley1 and Gaspy1 are the best ‘casters in the game!

Another week another thread about how to balance Warmachine better. This one suggested that we Steamroller should include points re-balances for models to make them either more viable or less OP. I won’t bother to express my opinions on this since I feel I’ve made them clear well enough in the past. What stuck out to me was the author’s idea of two warcasters who were in need of a nerf: Haley1 and Gaspy1. At first I thought this was just a typo since obviously the second versions of both warcasters are by far the scarier versions but several posts later he repeated himself. My mind was blown a little bit by this. Of course Haley1 is so OP she should lose some warjack points. That makes so much sense since she has basically no bad match ups and has been dominating the tournament scene. It definitely wasn’t a surprise when she showed up in such huge numbers at the WTC. Even more overpowered, though, is Gaspy1 who has been such a real mainstay of the tournament scene since Prime was released in Mark I. Honestly, I want to know what this guy’s meta is like because this was a revelation I was not prepared for.

Signs and Portents in Ret is totally fine.

Khador has Signs and Portents and also has Winterguard who are obviously directly comparable to Mage Hunter Strike Force so therefore MHSF wouldn’t be broken with Signs and Portents. A 14/11 Stealth unit with Range 12 RAT 6 guns that ignore almost every rule is basically directly comparable to a 12/13 unit with Range 8 RAT 5 blunderbusses that ignore zero rules in the game. Well, actually with the Winterguard UA they can Bob and Weave to get to DEF 14 like the MHSF. They still don’t have stealth but that’s a shitty rule anyway. Winterguard also have Sprays which are amazing! And then you add in Kovnik Joe, because why not include a character solo in this math, and Winterguard are amazing at doing a job that’s entirely different from what MHSF do! But that’s not what we’re talking about here. MHSF are good and Winterguard are good and if Signs and Portents doesn’t break Winterguard it doesn’t break MHSF. But wait! Iron Flesh makes Winterguard even better than MHSF because of their ridiculous defense! What’s that you say? Vlad1 doesn’t have Iron Flesh so bringing it up in this discussion is fucking stupid? Psh, whatever man you just need to L2P Iron Flesh Signs and Portents casters more. In summary every faction but Ret has something awesome and broken and it’s high time Ret got something stupid so that they can finally be a viable faction.

Honestly I'm running out of jokes for Ret pictures. Snipe, Feat, Go is dumb lol?

Honestly I’m running out of jokes for Ret pictures. Snipe, Feat, Go is dumb lol?

Pagani is the dirtiest word in Warmachine

What’s the best thing about Warmachine? Did you say it’s balanced rules and enjoyable gameplay? Don’t be silly. It’s obviously fretting about whether other people are playing the game in a way that you find satisfactory. Are people moving their models slightly after their movement, but before their action, with the total and complete consent of their opponent? What monsters! This is the sort of shit you tell stories of to your children to scare them straight! One time your uncle Joey moved his Stalker slightly so that it was a fraction of an inch deeper into the forest it was on and then he was arrested by Santa and turned into coal for naughty children! That’ll fucking learn you for your less than entirely precise positioning! Next time just put it there the first time no matter what your opponent thinks! Play Warmachine the way I want you to play Warmachine not the way you do! Your fun and enjoyment is less important than my smug satisfaction!

Hero Thread: Urban warfare “gritty” Cygnar by Paint Vagrant

It’s been a while since I did a hero thread from the Miniatures and Modeling forums and I’ve missed them a bit. I love a well executed theme and this thread has a cool theme really well executed but that’s pretty common in the Miniatures and Modeling forums. What totally sold me on this army was the Gun Mages. They look super cool. Check that shit out.

That’s all for this week, tune in next week where I’ll be typing the article using only my feet!


3 thoughts on “What I Learned on the Forums This Week 29

  1. You are a hero, sir! Hip deep in the feces of the internet, you do not succumb to despair but rather rise up, glorious in your rage, and blaze for the trail so that all may join in your mockery of the idiots! Well done, sir, well done!

    I honestly don’t know how you endure, I have to take weeks at a time off of the forums or I succumb to some kind of speechless, rabid rage-seizure.

  2. Tough is a terrible rule. I loose most of my tough checks (9 out of 10) with my Farrows and that’s why I lost the game. Wait?
    Yes, I was playing minions…
    And my opponent also had pVlad AND Winter Guards + Joe… (and a Colossal)
    Lord! I was doomed! :o))

  3. Oups! And my english is terrible too…
    Let’s correct a couple of “typos” :
    Tough is a terrible rule. I lost most of my tough checks (9 out of 10) with my Farrows and that’s why I lost my last game. Wait?
    Yes, I was playing minions… With Arkadius…
    Yes, I’m a noob…
    BUT my opponent also had pVlad AND Winter Guards + Joe… (and a Colossal)
    Lord! I was doomed! 🙂

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