What I Learned on the Forums This Week 27


Honestly, this week’s article was one of the harder ones to write. In the wake of the WTC the Forums have been remarkably positive. I expect this era of good feeling to last another few days before we descend back into the murky waters of pointless argument but it’s nice while it lasts.

Troll warlocks are bad and can only win via Tough

Trolls are by far the easiest faction to play because they’re ability to win is completely random. It all comes down to making an above average number of Tough rolls. If you do that you auto win the game but if you don’t you lose no matter what. Playing against a list that negates Tough? You’d be better off curling up in the fetal position and crying. In that situation your opponent might at least take pity on you and just walk away from the table rather than playing the game. The only solution to this problem is giving Trolls a top tier amazing warlock. None of these crappy warlocks like Grissel1, Doomshaper1, or Madrak2. They’re at best B+ if even that. Grissel1 probably barely breaks into the C category. The only reason people even consider her is because some guy did good with her at some event and winning games at events is not how we judge the effectiveness of a ‘lock. No we judge it based solely on how well we do with a given warlock. I’ve jumped around and played every warlock in Trolls like 2 or 3 times and never done particularly well with any of them so they’re all definitely bad. It can’t be that I haven’t taken the time to learn to play a given warlock and become good with them. Maybe in 2015 Trolls will get a good warlock and stop being so rubbish.

Grissel Bloodsong: as amazing on the table as her model is terrible.

Imperfect Balance is rubbish!

Imperfect balance in Warmachine is a load of shite because it clearly doesn’t apply to Warmachine at all since Warmachine isn’t Starcraft. Tabletop gaming clearly functions on completely different principles to video games because magic technology wizards. Warmachine has the problem that loads of stuff is clearly super OP which is why we constantly see the same things over and over again and the meta never shifts to new models. That’s why Deneghra2 was so prevalent last year and why no one plays anything new or different like Morvahna2. Lich2 was clearly always the king of OP and nobody thought that Denny1 was the best ‘caster in Cryx ever. The perceptions we hold now have always been the same and there has never been a single change in Warmachine ever so there can’t be imperfect balance in the game. If Warmachine had imperfect balance then it would look exactly like video games that have imperfect balance because there’s only one way to do imperfect balance. Also, Warmachine clearly doesn’t patch things in a way to change the game the way video games do to shake up the meta. That’s why we’ve played the same scenarios for the last decade with no change at all. Steamroller is a piece of construction equipment, don’t ask stupid questions. Don’t you hate these noobs with their understanding of how the game works and memories that are longer than the past 9 months?

Cyriss models should cost more points!

You know what really annoys me? Induction nodes! The ability to move focus around in a way that brings something new and exciting to the game of Warmachine is such bullshit. Why did PP give their newest faction a cool new mechanic to help them run lots of warjacks? Why couldn’t they have played just like all the other factions that already exist? Who wants new different rules when the old rules have served us so well? Well, I think it’s about time we punished those Cyrissist bastards by raising the point cost on all their warjacks by one. That would teach them to be new and different! Then we can shun them in the lunch room and push their faces into the water fountains because apparently we’re school bullies who want to punish people for having what we don’t have. Also, while we’re at it, 18 point Archangels would still be bad because Archangels are terrible regardless of all rules.

Pictured: the peak of unfairness in Warmachine a Colossal with a fancy new rule.

WTC results are both significant and a lie!

So the WTC just happened and I know what you’re thinking: how did X great player lose most of their games, he must be awful and how can we know if anyone at the event was actually any good without and independent committee? These two disparate yet weirdly conflicting ideas are perfectly natural. Firstly, X player actually is terrible at the game. Your suspicions that they were an arrogant shithead are correct and you could totally beat them in a game because you’re a big deal in your local meta. Did you hear that guy say he’s pretty confident in his Legion match up the week before the event? He totally lost to Legion what a shit player! How could he think he was good in a match up he actually lost? I always win my good match ups. Alternatively, did Y less played war-noun do really well? Well obviously the unknown player bringing them played against a bunch of bad players. There’s no panel determining if everyone at the WTC was good even if they were all selected by their countries to attend the event. Without a double blind study to determine who is and isn’t good we should just assume that all players at the WTC were terrible and that the fact that it was a team format has no impact on these results. In conclusion, everyone is bad at Warmachine.

Hero Thread: WTC report from the 0-5 player who plays bad lists and uncompetitive casters by TheEmu

Hey Ret Forums you did it! Well done! I’ll admit some slight bias in that I spent a lot of my evenings at the WTC doing shots of some crazy Finnish drink the TheEmu so I got a lot of love for that guy. In this thread he defends his lists and talks about why he likes them even though he had the unfortunate luck of going 0-5 at the WTC, although his Team did respectably enough overall. He makes some great points and talks about each of his games and the most amazing part is the responses, at least as far as they’ve gone at the time I last read them, were for the most part positive and constructive. Honestly I thought I’d wondered off to the Khador forums for a moment. Try and keep this up guys and maybe you’ll escape my lambasting for another few weeks.

Ossyan: Terrible or just misunderstood? Definitely misunderstood, this guy’s a boss!

That’s all for this week. Now if you’ll excuse me I am due some much deserved post-WTC rest.


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