What I Learned on the Forums This Week 25


This gag was only really meant to last for a couple of weeks. I agreed to do it while slightly tipsy in the pub one evening after reading something especially stupid in some forum or other. Now I’ve done 25 of these things. How the hell did that happen?

Snipe, Feat, Go is all there is.

You might be thinking to yourself: ‘I am a Ret player who plays a lot of Cygnar but how do I beat Caine2 and Haley2?’ If you are it’s probably because you’re missing the obvious answer right in front of you. Snipe. Feat. Go. What more do you want tactically? Haley2 and Caine2 are both pretty susceptible to being killed by SFG. Sure you realistically are going to need a plan if your opponent doesn’t oblige you by putting their caster within your threat range but you won’t get that here. Just SFG them to the face or lose. What do you mean other warcasters? Ossyan? Vyross2? But they’re terrible at achieving a gimmicky assassination. Winning the attrition war? What are you crazy? That’s not how Ret does things. We apply MHSF to caster and win roughly a third of our games. You know the tactical advice you’re receiving is excellent when the person giving it out equates effectiveness versus Caine1 and Haley1 to being good versus their epic counterparts. For bonus gaming advice when playing against Baldur2 ignore his list and kill him with Mage Hunter Infiltrators. The Ret Forums: where a counter to a given ‘caster is entirely composed of how you assassinate them on Turn 2.

Apparently Ravyn + Veil of Mists is an auto win?

Who wants relevant rulebooks?

I have this problem. My bookshelf has like 6 Warmachine books on it and all of the rules in them are still relevant to models that are in the game. Any time I want I can go look at those books to see the stats of models from a number of different factions. Here’s the thing, some of these models are a bit crap and don’t see much play. The solution? PP should update their rules every year to fix the models that I think aren’t very good to better fit my idea of what the game should be. Sure these updates will negate the rules in previous books rendering them practically worthless but then I’ll be able to throw them out and clear up some shelf space. Here’s the thing, right, how would this even remotely fix the fucking problem of some models being less used? If shitty models are re-balanced do you really expect them to magically land an area of perfect balance after a couple months of playtesting? If PP could magically make all models perfectly balanced and viable they’d have fucking done it the first time around not dicked about for three years. Mistakes happen and some models are worse than others. Revisiting those models would likely only make them the new ‘OP’ or remain shit. If they become the new ‘OP’ then a different set of models is placed into the shit bin and we’re back where we started with some models being amazing and some being pants in comparison. This is to say nothing of the delays to new releases these near constant playtest cycles would cause. Let’s not even consider the horrors of letting the Forums realize that their complaints could possibly affect rules changes in models. That would be the worst thing. So if we could all shut the fuck up about annual updates, Mark III, Mark II Remix and all that other bullshit it would be greatly appreciated. The worst thing Mark II brought was the belief that a Mark III could happen.

Convergence models have bad RAT scores!

Convergence makes a terrible gun line army. Sure they have a ton of guns on their warjacks but what use is that if they can’t reliably hit anything? Have you seen the RAT scores on their warcasters? They’re appalling! Even with boosts they’ll have trouble hitting DEF 15 with Aurora and she’s only the third worst RAT score in the faction! What the hell!? It’s totally unreasonable that the faction requires some kind of synergy with other models to get to reasonable RAT scores. I mean hitting things with Flare first? What is this crappy Menoth? Why would I consider aiming especially when Aurora gives out Apparition to make it easier? What really doesn’t make sense, though, is that Aurora has a worse RAT than the Clockwork Angels! Why would fluff not match rules to make the game more balanced? If fluff doesn’t equal rules why even bother having fluff. Clearly Aurora should have MAT 7 RAT 6 because most warcasters have better stats than their associated units. That’s why Stryker has a worse MAT than Stormblades, because he has one better RAT than they do. Besides giving every warjack in a convergence list the stat line of a Defender wouldn’t be overpowered especially once you consider the presence of Flare in the faction. You have to pay points for those flare bots after all so it’s totally fine.

Frankly, those wings would almost certainly throw off your accuracy. They look super heavy.

Casual gamers know best.

You know who I turn to when I want to know what’s not balanced or fair about Warmachine? When I want to find out which warcasters are totally OP and breaking the game? Which factions are just better than others? I ask the guy who plays maybe a couple of games a month and treats it as an opportunity to drink some beer and have some pretzels. I’m sure that this casual player has given the balance of Warmachine a lot of thought and knows better than me what is and isn’t good. It’s all that time he spends not playing or thinking about Warmachine that makes it likely. He’s definitely in the know about whether Colossals are busted or if Haley2 is the only option Cygnar can take to a tournament. Why would he be wrong? In all seriousness I have no problem with people playing Warmachine casually if they want but competitive players spend a lot more time with Warmachine than most casuals and are going to have a better idea of the balance of the game. Besides that, if it’s a beer and pretzels game for you why do you care about balance? Balanced games require more skill and games with lots of skill are hard to play while drinking beer and having a laugh with friends. A good beer and pretzels game is about moving models and chucking dice without a ton of complicated strategy. Seriously, this is what Warhammer is good at. No joke, it’s a pretty terrible game system but if you want to drink beer and eat pretzels (and who wouldn’t? Pretzels and beer are awesome) you’re probably better off playing that instead of Warmachine.

Hero Thread: Using Tristan by Doblin James

Normally I wouldn’t have felt a need to put up a thread about how great Tristan is but apparently many Menites don’t think he’s very good. Only the presence of Elara, and Ret players moaning about her, have convinced them that they didn’t get the worst Novice Warcaster. Obviously this is wrong and this thread will hopefully do a lot to fix that perception. It’s not exactly brain-meltingly amazing in its new revelations of uses for Tristan but it is very thorough and covers basically every warjack you can take with him. I don’t necessarily agree 100% with the conclusions at every point but I see the authors points and the thread also contains some good discussion about Tristan’s role in the Protectorate. Worth a read.

That’s all for this week. Tune in next week to see me desperately try and find a hero thread for the Ret forums to make up for all the mockery I send their way. It could happen…it probably won’t but it could.


4 thoughts on “What I Learned on the Forums This Week 25

  1. The forums are an endless fountain of idiocy, sir, no way you were only going to get a couple of posts out of it! Love these posts as always!

  2. I figured the “yearly rebalance” thread would show up this week. One day people will realize this isn’t a videogame you can just patch. Or maybe they won’t, I’m not a cop.

    My goal for next week is to create a thread in Ret worthy of being a hero thread.

  3. I love the whole over-reliance on snipe-feat-go. In fact, that tactic is one of the reasons I love using my Kraye list against Ret.
    Ret Player: “OMG HE BROUGHT BIG BASE CASTER! I Am totally going to MHSF you in the face!”
    Ret: “….Where’d my MHSF go?!”
    Mmmmmmm, tears.

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