What I Learned on the Forums This Week 17

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Comrades, it’s been a very very bad week. So bad that this week we’re running super special extra long. Please bear with me in this difficult time.

New players deserve to have their teeth kicked in!

Let me paint a little scenario for you. You’ve strolled down to your LGS looking for a nice game of Warmachine and the only person there is a newer Cryx player. You decide to give him a game and during deployment he pulls out his Deathjack and a Kraken. Now you have to make a decision do you absolutely thrash him with your Cygnar and make the game a truly unpleasant experience for him or do you just play the goddamn game like a reasonable fucking human being? New players aren’t allowed to use powerful models, obviously, so your opponent is breaking the social contract of Warmachine and you should punish him. There’s no need to encourage new players to actually get into this game instead you should just be an asshole to them if they don’t play the game in the exact way you feel it should be played. You’re basically doing him a favor because something something something. Also the Kraken is apparently a game breaking power piece now. The worst part about this thread is that not only was the OP a bit of a condescending ass but lots of people agreed with him.

Want to see unfair? Let Doomshaper2 take one of these in his battlegroup.

If you’re not playing a board game competitively why play at all?

High Command has already been ruined! It’s a travesty! A mockery! A sham! A bamboozle! A wizzledozzle! Okay, I’ll admit that last one got away from me a bit but my point still stands! Exclusive Kickstarter promo cards have ruined a game that isn’t even released yet and rendered it unplayable! Sure you could still play the game with your friends at a board game night in the same way you could if these cards had never been printed but you’d know it was wrong. You could feel the wrongness oozing forth in a thick cloud of sin. These cards, whose rules we don’t know, could totally skew the gameplay and meta of a game, whose rules we don’t know, to the point that renders it unplayable! Well, sure technically you and your for friends could actually play the game and have fun but that’s not the point. Playability is not the same as playing the game! Obviously the only rational solution to this is to refuse to buy a board game that you could play and have legitimate fun with just because there’s a slight possibility that some cards you don’t have could affect how other people play the game. Or, you know, you could just have fun playing a game. It turns out you can still play board games outside of a competitive environment. I do it all the time. Shocking I know!

Warmachine is terrible and something about pre-measuring.

I’ve been spending the last 10 minutes trying to come up with jokes to accompany this thread but honestly this is one of the stupidest goddamn threads I have ever read. Reading it was like being punched in the brain by a drunk gorilla. There are two things about this thread that make it amazingly dumb: roughly half of the people posting in it are fucking morons and the arguments make no goddamn sense. The first point can be wondrously summarized by this one anecdote: early on in the thread someone asserts that without his Spyglass rule Reinholdt would be over costed at 1 point. If you can’t see why that is stupid please don’t reproduce. The second bit, though, is probably the worst. The degree to which these arguments make no sense is beyond standard for The Forums. Honestly, I’m not sure I can make you understand what it is like without having you read it. But please, for the love of all that’s good and wonderful, do not read this thread. It’s too late for me but I can spare you the mental trauma I suffered. At one point someone declares that no pre-measuring is just something Warmachine copied in an attempt to be like Warhammer while also praising Warhammer’s pre-measuring system. Someone else decides that the only two options for Warmachine are all pre-measuring or no pre-measuring. The current system of using your control area/melee range/other attacks to pre-measure is clearly unsustainable and must be discarded for the good of the game. I honestly have no idea how to make this shit funny. It’s tragic. This is the thread that makes me want to punch babies.

Why don’t we just play on a Hex Grid?

Screw Mercenaries stay Faction Pure!

You know what’s awful if you play one of the ‘real factions?’ Those sexy slutty Mercenaries luring you away from your pure Cygnaran choices. They’re taking jobs away from hard working ordinary Caspians and putting money into the corrupt hands of Ordic Bandits. What we need are stricter Mercenary hiring laws to stop this dirty influx. Obviously we should make Mercenary models worse than any strong upstanding faction options. To do otherwise would be to give the impression to our young children that it is okay to be a Mercenary. Would you rather your son be a Steelhead Halberdier or a Trencher? I think we all know which answer is the correct one. But what if that isn’t enough? Well then we should impose hiring limits on these unwelcome invaders. Dirty Laelese refugees and urban Ordic scum are too often playing important roles in our military. We should ensure that only a small percentage of these positions should be handed to anyone from outside the greatest nation on Immoren: Cygnar. Lastly, we must construct a great wall along our Ordic border to ensure no one crosses over into the bountiful lands of Cygnar and pretends to be a native of this great land to get around our hiring restrictions. Whose with me!?

Retribution lacks depth!

Retribution as a faction has definitely been solved. All of the available options have been fully explored and only a handful of them are really worth considering. Ret is therefore limited in options and unable to compete because it only has a few good options. Also the Ret player base definitely aren’t raging assholes it’s just that nobody understands them. Seriously though, Ret players are awful. It’s not even that they’re necessarily terrible at the game, although quite a few of them appear to be, but more that they’re absolute jerks. Try reading any of thread in which someone proposes a new idea/tactic/list to the Retribution community. They’re painful to read and even worse when the new idea is actually amazing. People crapped all over MattieK’s amazing Ossyan list when he first posted it on the Ret boards. They also have an amazing ability to revise past events so they can claim that they were all super stoked when Vyross2 was released and definitely didn’t hate him before someone figured out Griffon spam was a thing. More recently a discussion about Elara got side-tracked into people whinging about the same old Ret problems that aren’t problems. Maybe if Ret players spent half the time they spend bitching actually playing with new lists they wouldn’t suck so much. Just an idea.

Remember when everyone hated this thing? I do.

Ghordson Earthbreaker is for Searforge only!

You’re probably aware by now that Mercenaries are getting a Rhulic Colossal later this year. What you, and I, were previously unaware of was that this ┬ácolossal is definitely going to be for Searforge players only. It’s not that Searforge players want to shit all over their fellow Merc players. Far from it in fact. The problem is that the marketing blurb associated with the new Colossal states that it will only be fieldable in Rhulic armies and the only possible meaning for that is Searforge only. I mean it’s only logical really that Searforge get this they are after a massive player base deserving of a very expensive niche model. It’s not even a little unreasonable for PP to restrict a Colossal that can only be taken by 3 warcasters even further by limiting its contract as well. There is, unfortunately, no alternative interpretation of what Rhulic army could mean and since marketing blurbs count as Rules as Written for determining what a model does this means that the colossal is going to be a Searforge exclusive. So suck it other Merc players but also please stop hating on us Searforge types. We’re clearly the victims here.

Hero Thread: Andrei Dojo by Trihnicus

Andrei may be the most exciting of the Novice warcasters. It’s not that he’s the best, that’s obviously Gastone, but rather that he offers so much to a faction that needed it. Andrei means Khador players can finally put some of their really cool ‘jacks on the table and not be gimping themselves! This is exciting times and it’s great to see the Khador players embracing it and seeing what ridiculously unused warjack they can put on Andrei and have it still be good. Great stuff all around.

I didn’t even know this warjack existed before I read this thread.

I feel like I should take a deep breathe after all of that. Some new lows were achieved this week and I’m honestly a mixture of impressed and horrified. Imprefied if you will. Hopefully everyone has gotten their annual stupidity out early and next week will be all sunshine and rainbows. Then I can just complain about how goddamn sunny it’s been here recently…

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7 thoughts on “What I Learned on the Forums This Week 17

  1. Tbh, I was expecting a bit more on the premeasuring thread, you didn’t even mention how we poor mainlanders are hugely disadvantaged by having to eyeball in centimetres and then convert it to inches…

    • I can’t let that secret get out! I win all my games as a result of being raised on Imperial Measurements!

      I honestly just couldn’t cope with that thread. I moved straight through rage and out the other side into resigned sadness. I probably should have just stopped after the first page and written my rant then. It was just so mind-boggling stupid…

  2. Imprefied. I approve, sir, I approve. Not only is your hatred and disgust a soothing balm that cools the brainflesh seared by the fires of forum idiocy, but you also bring me new words! You Overload guys are the gift that just keeps giving!

    In other news, I dug up that newbie-punching thread (which, as per policy, I won’t link, but I REALLY want to). There wasn’t near the level of douchebaggery I expected, except for the OP and a few other obvious shitbrains. Most people chimed in that it was a douche move. I mean, they post fucking mini-novels about it and waxed self-righteous, as forums are wont to do, but, compared to some other threads (I’m looking at you, pre-measuring moron party) it was almost okay. ­čÖé

    • I couldn’t troll it properly. It made me sad.
      Also, CYG-MURICA!
      I will mention I thought the thread about Long Gunner-Speak was fun, too. Just because it was kinda silly.

      • I must confess I didn’t actually read the Long Gunner speak thread. Good to hear it was entertaining though.

  3. Hey, Searforge players have had it up to -here- with being second class citizens! They’re standing up for their rights, and Why not? They’ve been shorted options for so long, that their hate has grown to huge proportions. Something so large that it…dare I say it….dwarfs those around them. Searforge releases have obviously been stunted by PP in an effort to keep Rhulic purists down.

    But no more! The Rocklobster…er, Earth Breaker is obviously an apology from PP to Searforge purists.

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