Hello and welcome to your weekly source of pointless satire! This week we open with the downright strange before making fun of Retribution for a while and ending on an attempt to if not redeem at least play with a rather terrible model. Hope you enjoy!
Curse Doug Seacat and his magic sugar beets!
Some days I gaze deep into the face of madness and I inevitably blink first. This is not one of those times. I just thought you should know that. Some of you may be aware that Privateer Press announced a new Hordes faction was in the works and mass speculation has followed. Much of this speculation has been in support of the idea of the Nation of Zu being the next faction especially as Doug Seacat has mentioned recently that trade between Zu and Immoren has increased. This thread then spiraled wildly out of control as someone began complaining that in the same panel that Mr. Seacat mentioned this he stated that Immoren made Rum from Sugar Beets. When confronted about the fact that Rum can only be made from Sugar Cane Mr. Seacat responded with the greatest of all responses: they’re magic. Apparently this did not satisfy our mysterious Rum enthusiast and he has continued to whine about Immoren’s rum and citrus production on the forums at great length in threads that don’t really have anything to do with those topics. Not that there are threads to discuss that sort of pointless nuance but maybe it’s that way for a reason. Thankfully eventually sanity prevailed as people suggested that Zu should be a jungle dinosaur faction, which is obviously true.
The Forums have some of the best minds in business!
Privateer Press should really be reading the Forums more closely. I know they have an official policy of not discussing business practices on the Forums but they should really reconsider that. Every so often someone makes a truly brilliant post explaining to PP in very eloquent terms exactly what they’re doing wrong as a business and the things they should do to change that. The most recent piece of amazing advice was that PP shouldn’t launch their Warmachine video game Kickstarter on the same day that Convergence is released. Sure the Kickstarter will last a month and the launch of Convergence is only a handful of models, all of which and more were available to many people a month before, but clearly this will only hamper them. By forcing warmachine players to spend $100+ in one day on both of these releases they’re obviously hurting themselves. Sure you basically spent that amount of money anyway if you bought a Colossal on day one but that’s not relevant. Extra points for insisting that people explain why releasing something now is better than releasing something in the future. Why bother releasing anything at all? If you do that you’ll never have conflicting releases!
Retribution doesn’t have any buffs but totally should!
I’m sure you’re all aware of the plight of our dear friends who play Retribution and the fact that they are the only faction to have absolutely no buffs. In fact PP even errata-ed a bunch of spells to make them no longer buffs. Snipe? Not a buff. Kiss of Lylyss? Obviously not a buff. Inviolable Resolve? Totes not anymore. This is totally unfair and Retribution should totally get a bunch of buffs that would definitely be fair. Buffs like Signs and Portents, Hand of Fate and Deadeye. After all Gun Mages have Deadeye and they’re basically the same as MHSF so it would definitely be fair. Also stating that because MHSF is a thing that Retribution can’t get certain buffs is totally unfair and basically makes you a moron. Also damage buffs for Mage Hunter Assassins would totally be fair. +4 Damage definitely wouldn’t skew them so hard they would break the game. I mean Manhunters and Paladins are basically the same as Mage Hunter Assassins but with shorter threat range, less of an ability to spike a damage roll, much more linear threat vectors and without Arcane Assassin and Grievous Wounds. Those last two abilities are only situational anyway and hardly a big deal. Basically everything in Retribution is terrible and they need buffs to all of their amazing things to make them as good as lesser used models in other factions. Also, Retribution players appear to be morons.
Pointless Threads about what Retribution needs!
I’ll skip over the weirdness of starting a second thread to do the exact same thing as your first thread just because the original one got derailed by people talking about MHSF and go on to my main point: why does this thread even exist? Someone asked what the general forum community feels would be fair buffs for Retribution while simultaneously fully admitting that PP doesn’t read those kinds of threads and won’t take any design input from them. So they’re not trying to influence the development of the game but then what is the point of this thread? To make matters worse threads like this are common on the Ret forums and have been discussed to death and the OP had posted literally the exact same thread a few days before but it got derailed. This guy had some serious commitment to starting pointless discussion threads and some serious guts for being so annoyed at his pointless thread got derailed that he started the same pointless thread again! Fly on you crazy bastard. Even if we took your wings you’d probably jump off a cliff just to prove flight was worth it.
Hero Thread: My eMorghoul Road to Gencon Masters by PG_maxsterling
There are two things I love dearly in this world: people making stupid bets and people championing crappy war-nouns. This thread has both of them. On a bet with the notorious JVM PG_maxsterling, of Chain Attack fame, has sworn to take epic Morghoul to a major tournament this year. As you probably guessed from the thread title that tournament is Gencon. What’s great for us is that he’s documenting his practice and preparation for this great event on the Forums for us to read and enjoy. I recommend you do both!
That’s all for this week. Next week all of our topics will come from the international languages forums! They have to be better right? Right!?