Holy crap there are ten of these things? That seems like…quite a few. To celebrate our tenth weekiversary I’m going to make jokes about some nerd-famous people! Would I have done that anyway? Yes, yes I would have. Enjoy!
Everyone knows the Mountain King is Goodbad and Hardcore is dumb
In part two of a fact I chronicled previously Trolls won another Hardcore at some con called Lock and/or Load. The Troll list that won was the obvious choice of Doomshaper2 with a Mountain King. Briefly people were saying it was Doomshaper1 outside of Theme with a MK and obviously that would have been an amazing achievement but winning a massive Hardcore event with Doomshaper2 and his favorite ever warbeast the Mountain King is so easy a child could do it. He even got his last game against the Baldur2 theme which is basically e-z mode for him and makes his win a foregone conclusion. Never mind the 5 or so games he had to play before that one. I’m sure they were all against Baldur2 theme. That list is super common right? Extra points for people in this thread doing a model by model dissection of the winning list without actually know what that list is. Sure someone posted a Doomshaper2 list that’s probably pretty similar to the list that was played but people started taking apart why each warbeast was a core part of the list without even knowing if it was in the list. Never let facts get in the way of your bullshit Troll forums. Just keep on insisting that you’re a crap faction who only wins in a crappy format that you’re amazing at. Not a competitive faction at all.
The thing I hate most about Keith is that people talk about him.
You may have heard that Keith Christophalopolopagusen [That may not be his actual surname, records from that time are sketchy at best] won the first Iron Gauntlet qualifier using the surprise twist combo of Haley2 and Gaspy2. You may also have heard that those two casters are totally busted and that Warmachine is a hollow wreck of a wargame destined for the darkest pits of hell. One of these things is probably true. The Forums have of course taken this news in their usual calm and relaxed manner. Haley2 has an interesting tactics thread on the Cygnar boards because Keith didn’t bring a Stormwall [with a brief tangent to Mercnar is The Devil land] while the rest of the forums are spewing RageDumb all over the place. I heard that Lich2 is so amazing that you don’t even have to play the game to win with him. Just putting him on the table will cause your opponent to break down and weep. Keith totally didn’t even beat a real opponent just some guy who obviously got to the final table of a major event at a major convention by clubbing the most baby kittens to death using only his forehead. Or maybe he played a bunch of really good games and won them legitimately. Certainly one of those is probably true. My guy’s giving me five to one odds on the kitten clubbing though so I’m totally going with that. Also superdoubleplus points for the guy who started the thread to complain about people starting threads complaining about Lich2 before any of those threads appeared. You’re some kind of time traveling maverick psychic or something. Never change?
More whining from the Trolls!
PP has totally ruined Trollbloods. Their design ideas totally make no sense and the stuff Trolls get every release totally doesn’t fit the play style of Trolls that we want. Where are all the Dire Trolls and how come there are so many amazing light warbeasts? Who wants that? Obviously Trolls should be more like all the other Hordes factions and lacking any distinct qualities. Wah wah wah Trolls are bad wah. If we use our collective will to try and force PP to completely change the design idea for the faction for long enough eventually they’ll give in! It’s not like they can ignore us and keep following their own design ideas. We want Trolls to be a different faction than they are and goddammit we’ll get it eventually! Alternatively we could actually play Trollbloods in a way that’s good and construct lists around the actual strengths of Troll’s models rather than our batshit crazy perceptions of what should be good for Trolls…but that sounds both hard and productive and we’re against both of those. We’re much better served whining some more and making us the laughing stock of Warmachine players everywhere. Let’s do that.
Kromac’s not a big deal for Cryx
Some of you might have thought that Kromac gives Cryx a hard time but I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. He’s completely overblown and all you really need to do is this one thing and you’ll kick his ass every time? What’s that one thing? Depends who you ask but as this conversation progresses we will discuss even crazier and less practical methods in an attempt to out crazy the previous speaker. This thread is classic Forum talk. Someone asks a question and gets a response. Then the debate spirals off to weirder and weirder areas that quickly stop relating to the original question. This thread travels all the way to Venethrax vs. Warmachine with a few pit stops in Exaggeration Land! Giving actual tactical advice for a player who is struggling to play against Kromac is ignored because other people on the internet say Cryx can’t beat him so obviously the truth is that he’s super easy for Cryx to beat because the internet is wrong except for our corner of the internet which is right! Something like that anyway. Extra points to the guy who managed to introduce Epic Morvahna into the discussion somehow.
Warmachine has been Solved!
I’m sure some of you think that you might have come up with some new interesting tech or that maybe there’s a new dimension to a recently released Warlock that has not been fully appreciated but I’m here to tell you that you are wrong! Given how many Warmachine and Hordes players there are in the world obviously every not terrible combination of models has been tested. There is no point trying out new things in this game since everything has been done and so we might as well accept that bad things are always bad and always will be bad and the Forums are totally correct about how bad they are. What do you mean Cassius might actually be really good and people just didn’t appreciate it when he first came out because he’s hard to play? Obviously some crazy guy in a cave somewhere tested all those great Cassius lists. Sure they never made it out of his cave but they were done before. Is that relevant? I’m not sure. Does the value of individual models shift as new releases for all of the factions add variety to the game? No. Don’t be stupid, that would make too much sense. Look we’ve already mathed out all of Warmachine so we can just resolve all games of it based on what faction you brought to the table. Did you bring Trolls? That was a poor decision, should have brought Lich2. I hear he auto-wins.
Hero Thread: High Command by HighSeraphim http://privateerpressforums.com/showthread.php?163664-High-Command
I’m just super excited for High Command so I picked this one. It has some interesting comments from people who played the game at Lock and Load and some input from PP staff on the games rules and release schedule. There’s no useful tactical advice here I’m just nerding out about something I couldn’t experience because I live far away from Seattle. Sometimes that’s gonna happen. It’s my stupid article series and I can do what I want.
That’s all for this week. Join me next week when all of the threads I read will be taken from Reddit!
[Disclaimer: no they won’t]